Perception.

I was just looking to see who to invite to my "small group" birthday party this year, and I realised the majority of them came from work, and there were hardly any people from people I know from work. That really got me into panic mode, because it triggered my emotions about what I'm most insecure about.

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Growing up and having friends was easy. Parents arranged playtime, and in elementary school, I hung out with the kids whose parents my parents made friends with. Then I went off to secondary school, and had another group of friends I hung out with.

In Secondary 3 (9th grade), I switched over from a local school to an international school. At the point, I lost touch with the majority of my friends from local school. If I'm being honest with myself, part of me wanted to just be cool and hang out with my "cool" SAS friends. That was a mistake.

Fast forward to my mission and college, I made some wonderful friends there, and friends that I still keep in touch with. But, as we graduated and started moving to different places, we definitely have not been in contact as much. Leaving the Mormon Church also meant that some people who were my "friends" weren't so much my friends anymore.

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I know that moving home to Singapore has always been the right decision, things are so much better here. But the one thing that's been lacking, perhaps, is a core group of friends, and that scares me. Honestly, it's the one thing I'm probably most insecure about. I see so many of my friends who have a good group around them - people they have known for years and grown up with, people they hang out with and travel with. Me? I have friends, but I don't feel particularly close to any of them, or feel that I can really count on them when the going gets tough, except for a couple people.

When I moved back to Singapore, work was my life for two years, till Uber got acquired by Grab. That means my work friends were my work family, and also my real friends - it was hard to find the time to meet people outside of work. When the acquisition happened, I guess that bit of my world got rocked a bit, another friend group destabilised. With work, I think I neglected a lot of the friendships and relationships I wanted to rebuild too. So, there's no core group that I always hang out with, or have inside jokes with, or really connect with.

Because of those insecurities, I've realised the way I interact with people, whether in person or in messages or whatnot, can be a bit weird or intense. I latch on to something I think might have potential, and panic when someone isn't as responsive or as reciprocal with their feelings. I wonder sometimes what's wrong with me, where people can be friends with me and have fun, but not build that closer bond or friendship.

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The other thing - some others have siblings and bigger family units they rely on. I have no siblings, and I'm not really close to any of my cousins. I think one of the things that terrifies me is that one day, when my parents and aunts and uncles pass on, I'm just going to be... alone. Sure, there will be friends from work and social events and whatnot, but no one that I can really call family, you know? A lot of the time, your friends become your family. An an only child, your friends are your family.

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I've been getting out there and spending more time with people, and with the bar, it helps. But, I'm tired, well, I don't want superficial friendships or relationships. I want to build meaningful relationships that are real and mean something. I guess that takes time and effort on my part.

That's life, I suppose.