On Dating in Inactivity (In Utah)
On a drive to pick a date up yesterday, I was talking to my mom and mentioned where I was headed.
Her response to that was, "Does she know you're inactive?"
What she was asking was whether I told the girl I wasn't active in the Mormon church. I told her that I'm pretty upfront with my dates about that - if they're Mormon. Then we continued on chatting about other things.
Later that night, as I was lying in bed, I replayed that conversation in my head, that got me thinking. Why should that really matter? I know, I've grown up and been Mormon most of my life, and, to Mom's point, the vast majority of Mormon girls want to date a church-going, temple worthy, returned missionary. I mean, with that comes all the values and attributes they could want in a man.
But, and this is the big but for me, does the church make the man, or does the man make the church?What I mean by that is - does being an active participant at church define who I am as a person? I struggle with that because I still profess to be a Christian and strive to be the best disciple of Christ that I can be, but I happen not to subscribe to certain tenants and interpretations of the Mormon church.
As a person, I still strive to be honest and kind, faithful and humble. I hope and think that I'm a good person who still tries to make good choices. But, it seems that my worth, at least to certain others, is derived from my activity in the church, rather than my personality, my likes and dislikes, my humor and hobbies. Church can be a part of my if I choose, and in that sense becomes a part of who I am. Though, at the end of the day, I am who I am because of the choices that I make. But - that choice of not being active in the church doesn't fundamentally change who am I am, but rather, my perspective on things.
But, why did my Mom have to ask me that question? I think that to be an unnecessary question, because it doesn't change the way I treat my date, if I am a shallow man, that is who I am, if I am more than that, my inactivity doesn't change the way I treat or view women.
Dating in Utah can be quite the challenge. As someone explained on a Facebook group I'm part of, my band of people are"too heathen to be Mormon, and too be Mormon to be heathen." We find it hard for people on both sides of the spectrum to relate (though the non-Mormons are a bit more open). Outside of Utah, it seems that non-Mormons just don't care, and can even be a fascinating subject for discussion, while the Mormons are more open to your spectrum of religiosity.
And so it goes, it's an interesting journey, and one that I'll navigate as best as I can.
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I think you are missing part of the question. To many people temple marriage is the only acceptable goal and temple worthiness is thus a crucial "quality" in someone they would consider dating. Regardless of what that does or doesn't say about your character
ReplyDeleteEe.. I have a single inactive sister living in Alpine, trudging through the same thing. It is my opinion (and observation) that there is a facade of "the grass is greener" syndrome... too many people live in Utah and cling to over exaggerated expectations...such that dating looses its appeal and becomes a chore. Groups come from two extremes, and the culture even for actives dating actives, is extreme in judgments (like temple worthiness, caffeine consumption --even though they plow through it themselves, etc) ...then the inactives also dont want to be pushed into activity, so they dont want to be around the uber active... and the cycle persists. It is better to be happy and alone, than to be miserably married to the wrong person for 20+ years. Or divorced..because that narrows your dating even further in that State. Dating in that State has become a "chore" for most everyone. Actives view "worthiness" as symbolic of your relationship and commitment to God (IMO) not to the church. Even good members of the church stand "unworthy" to enter. And Heaven forbid, if you're not an RM and live in Provo. You'd be better off finding a date on the "other" side of the mountain chains. It takes time, in my opinion, to let a friendship flourish to a level that can become a marriage. But... there are NO guarantees in this life. People change. Hearts change... and your marriage could be perfect in the beginning and crumble in the end. I know, personally, of several marriages that were a product from the temple, that ended in heartbreak, abuse and destruction of souls. I know non-temple marriages that are the same. Likewise, from both extremes, I have seen successful temple marriages that lasted for years, and successful blended, or non temple marriages that make for the perfect example of "how do you make it last 70 years?" People in that State need to loose expectations and just be themselves...but the "culture" there would have to change. And that... you would have better luck, playing and winning the lottery. So, if you're near Alpine, and just want to hang out with a sports loving, non-uber committed, non-judging, fun loving, outgoing and adventurous lady, that can even cut your hair (hairdresser)... PM me, and I'll send you for a haircut and a chat. You are not alone in your battle. Do not feel alone (unless you want to be.. then there is nothing wrong with that either.)
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