Perception.

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The two-week fast gave me time to reflect and think about WHY I'm on social media, and how I want to build a healthy balance with my usage.

1. FOMO
Viewing posts or stories, I see people having fun, and sometimes think I should be out with them. That sense of FOMO is frustrating, wondering why you weren't invited to this or that. Sometimes, I would be the one that asked "Why you never jio?"

Taking the break from social media relieved me of that. In doing so, it made me realize - what other people are doing doesn't matter. I spend time with the people I want. That's the thing - it made me realize that I need to control and take charge of my own happiness, and that happiness isn't defined by who I'm with, or what I'm doing. I'm not saying I'm not still somewhat affected by it, but it's a lot better, and its given me a better understanding of friendships and relationships. Those who matter, will continue to matter. Your true friends, those close to you? They are all that matter - everything and everyone else is secondary.

Taking a breather from those apps has relived me of the FOMO. I do what I enjoy doing, and that's it. No feeling bad messing out on this BBQ or that party.

2. Validation
Each like, each comment, each message is an addiction, at least it has been for me in times past. There have been times where I keep refreshing the app - drag down on the screen, waiting to see that red circle pop up, or that flag popping up that tells you someone has liked or commented or shot you a DM. I've wasted minutes, hours, days - doing just that. There are so many more things to do, and so many more ways to interact in person.

Also, the content I've posted has been vile, as I've taken a good step back to ponder on it - I enjoyed showing off, driving my car, or eating at a nice restaurant, or some fancy travel destination. There are many ways to validate yourself. That's no good, and it's not nice. As I've spent more time away from social media, I've found more time to read more, binge on Netflix (not the best alternative but I'm learning things sometimes), have more time to write thank you letters and blog posts. I don't need someone telling me they wish they were doing this too, or eating that too.

Enjoying these things is something to enjoy privately, not publicly.

With this break, I've been learning to build my self-esteem and validation from the people who matter, and they don't exist in my phone, they exist in real life.

3. Relationships - When I was talking to Suyeon about this topic while on the break a couple weeks ago, she recalled a time we had dinner where she noticed I was on the phone a lot. There wasn't anything terrible urgent. I just kept checking different apps. My parents have, on multiple occasions, asked why I've had to have my phone out constantly at the lunch or dinner table.

"What's so urgent," they've said, "that you can't wait an hour to check or respond, and spend proper time together?"

And really, what is? When I've been with my parents, or friends, or my ex, what's been so important that I can't check it later and focus on them? (This questions will beget another post, more related to cell phone usage).

Social media relationships are superficial - you're not with that person, but you're messaging back and forth, neglecting the people who are sitting right in front of you. Scrolling through posts or stories, you're constantly looking at each other's lives through the lens of their phone, what they want you to see - the best parts.

I don't pull out my phone at dinner as much anymore. For the two weeks, I actually didn't even take pictures of my food from 5 different angles. I just dug into the dishes, and it was delicious. It's also helped me to be more focused and less distracted, and I have better conversations with people at the meal table. 

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I've been guilty of that - having a high, having fun and posting about it, then the lows when I'm bumming at home, scrolling through my phone as I see people partying the night away.

Post captions, posts themselves - they're all meant to make us look cool and hip and good - but, to what end? Are we actually "cool?" Are we actually having fun? Or, are we just showing off to the world - "LOOK AT ME!" That takes away from the real fun, the laughing and the joking and the fun, because we others to see just how much fun we're having. Ironic, isn't it?

I don't mean to make this sound like a platitude, but it's happened to me personally, and I hope that this post in some way helps me process my thoughts, but also helps you if you've been in the same boat as me, or currently feel the same way too.

I'm back on social media. It's been hard, don't get me wrong. I still fall into my old habits, but I'm getting better at managing my usage, day-by-day. Of course, it doesn't help that Hayden and I are taking over our barn in just under two weeks, and I'm in charge of the social media aspect of it.

All things in moderation.