Perception.

When I first met you, I thought, "Huh, she's really cute, I should go talk to her."

So, I did. And boy, you were funny, you made me laugh, and the conversation we had flowed so comfortably and easily. We got to talk a few times over the next few weeks and I so enjoyed talking to you. When you smile and laugh, you wrinkle your nose, it scrunches up because you're full of delight. It made me happy, that you were happy. Eventually, I took that chance and asked you if you wanted to go on a hike sometime and you said yes.

I was so excited, I told my roommates that I thought this could really go somewhere. I mean, I was cynical enough about dating. But, I saw my friends dating girls who they thought were way out of their league, but gave it a shot and it worked. so I thought, hey, this might work.

I had hope, because even though so many times before I had dated and failed, there was always a glimmer, there always had to be a glimmer.

We went on the hike. It was so fun, because we had so much in common. I thought you looked so beautiful when the sunlight glanced off the trees right into you, where you were standing. It was so fun, you told me these little details about your life that you thought were inconsequential, but I thought it was so interesting, because I got to know you just a little bit better.

As we walked along the path and talked, you told me that you didn't think you were that great, that you were just average and normal, that you had challenges and fears and all that. All I could think then was why, why would you ever think that? You make me happy, and that's selfish. But, don't you realize that by existing you're making life that much better for one person? You should never think that about yourself, because you are amazing.

I wanted then more than ever to protect you and love you and care for you.

You're so intelligent and beautiful and kind and funny. How can you not know how amazing you are?

So I thought to myself, I will do my best to help her understand that, so I told you that, that I thought you were smart and beautiful and more. I couldn't tell what your thoughts to that were, but I thought that maybe I saw the hint of a smile. If I could give back just a little bit of happiness, it's worth everything.

We spent more time together the next couple of weeks, then when I asked you out on another date, you told me you couldn't date me because you were going out with someone else. What? How could that happen?

But, I wanted you to be happy, so if you really liked the other man, then I was happy for you, thought it broke my heart to pieces. A few weeks later, I saw you, and you didn't seem happy, but you were still dating the other guy. I didn't know why. I wanted so badly to tell you that I was there for you, that I could be everything and more. But, I couldn't because I respected your choice.

Finally - you broke up with him, and you called me. I was so relieved, you sounded more cheerful, more like the old you. You wanted to meet up, and I gladly did. But then, you started talking about him, how he had treated you, and it hurt me. But, you wanted to know what to do, because you still cared for him. Inside, I was hurting inside so badly, because I realized then that I loved you, and would do anything to make you happy.

So, I gave you the advice that I thought would help, and you gave me a hug and left. I couldn't sleep that night. I thought about everything I could say about how I felt for you. But, I realized you would never understand. You could not understand, because you would never see me the way I see you. You never got back with that other guy, or maybe you did and were happy. I don't know.

 I was happy you were happy.

But, whenever we talked after that, it was always about advice about another guy, or another struggle in your life. One day, you even asked me about my roommate, and whether he'd be interested in you. My roommate took you out eventually, but then he wasn't interested, and I couldn't understand why. The lucky bastard. It was then that I realized that I could not be around you anymore. It hurt too much. So, I started to stay away. And thankfully, you didn't seem to care too much. Maybe that hurt more.

The other day, I saw your post on Facebook about some hard things you're dealing with right now, and my heart melted all over again. I wanted to do what I could to help you, so I sent you a short encouraging message on Facebook, and, against my better judgement, dropped some cookies I had made off at your place. I doorbell ditched it.

You called me later - happy. You said you were sorry you had missed the bell, and it sounded like you wanted to talk, but I didn't know what to say.

Because I couldn't.

If I did, all my feelings for you would come out again, my heart on a sleeve, and get trampled on all over again. You said maybe you would see my soon, and I said yes, but with a little hesitation in my voice, not because I didn't want to. I want to. I responded politely to a couple things you said. I couldn't talk to you anymore.

I said goodbye.

*This isn't about one girl, it's representative of a few girls I have gone out with over the past few years.
**Forgive the lack of proper quotation and punctuation marks, I just typed out what I thought.
*** My Asian relatives tell me not to post personal thoughts and feelings like this, that's why girls don't date me. But what do they or I know?