A couple of years ago, I wrote a blog post about the way women should treat men. When I use those terms to refer to either gender, I am using it, presupposing that those of our age are grown and somewhat mature adults.
I wrote that post because a girl whom I cared for very dearly had broken my heart, and subsequently, other girls could never match up to her. About a month ago, I started seeing a girl whom I have known for a few years. It's only recently that our friendship had taken a turn towards the romantic side. I thought that I had finally found one who might be better.
After a couple weeks of seeing each other, things started to get rocky, and eventually, she told me that she wasn't feeling it, that she wasn't interested, this after showing signs of affection that would be appropriate with someone who you really like (Mormon appropriate). I don't blame her, I think we all get confused sometimes, and it takes us awhile to figure out how we really feel.
As my roommate has said before, "The moment I hear the words, 'I think you're a great guy, but...,' my brain just shuts down."
When that girl broke up with me two years ago, her roommate and I had a conversation where she told me that I "wear my heart on my sleeve." I thought about that long and heard, and came to the conclusion that she was saying I show my emotions too easily. Dating, after all, is a game of cat and mouse, and you have to play it, is what she was trying to get at.
I refuse to believe that. I refuse to. There is no shame in being honest, in saying what you really feel, because that is what love is all about. It's about being open with one another, trusting each other with your hearts. Dating and love are not games, they cannot be games, because the emotions given to us from above are sacred and precious, they are not meant to be toyed with. Rather, they are meant to perfect us, and provide another the security and joy that can come only from one we truly care for. No one deserves that, and we should not accept any less.
I've often wondered why it is some people just click, and for others, it takes years to find the right person. A few good friends of mine and I have dated people on and off since coming home from our missions. One hasn't dated anyone before, another had his engagement broken three weeks before the wedding. In every instance, it wasn't the man doing the breaking up, but rather the girl. When you see women who are treated badly by men, but who still stick with their men, you wonder what that's all about. The question, "Should we just act like jerks?" constantly pops into my mind.
As the thought goes, "Ladies, guys are sick of hearing you ask where all the 'nice guys' are. They're in the friend zone where you left them."
Unfortunately, I don't think that is not part of my disposition.
Sometimes, I really wonder what lies ahead for me. I used to read those Ensign magazine articles where they spoke of those who were still single, giving them advice and words of comfort. I used to scoff at them. The plan was to get home, meet someone, date for a few months, get engaged and be married a year or so after I got home. Two and a half years on, reality is far from what I had planned. Dating is a heck of a lot harder than I thought it would be. That chemistry is often so one-sided. You wonder if you'll ever find that perfect one, and your heart gets broken over and over again. But, here's the thing. Though it has been my trial, and the trial of some of those close to me, I will have hope. This section on love from a speech I read provides some of that inspiration. I believe it speaks the truth.
"The other side of the coin is this: fall in love.
I didn’t say “be loved”. That requires too much compromise. If one changes one’s looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone.
Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for me to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false. Modern society is anti-love. We’ve taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. It far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work – the only kind of work that I find palatable.
Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way. We learn the truth worthlessness of material things. We celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul.
Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important to choose the right person. Despite popular culture, love doesn’t happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor. It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming. It is not a silly weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm.
You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart.
You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you.
Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone. You either don’t, or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it."
I have no clue what's going to happen in the future. What I can do, though, is to keep trying, no matter how hard or painful it is. We love, to paraphrase the speech, because it makes us better people. I hope then, that there will come the day when that better me finds the person I can be perfect for.
As someone who has always worn their heart on their sleeve, I say, don't give up! I didn't, I think things have worked out rather nicely for me. You are a great guy that any girl would be lucky to end up with. Believe me, there are plenty of girls out there who will appreciate a man who is willing to show their emotions and be invested in them. Enough with the silly cat and mouse stuff, I hate it. And I love the post that you wrote about how guys should treat girls. I feel like so many girls talk about how they are mistreated, yet they treat guys the same way. There's a great girl out there for you. I've found that when you stop looking, is when you find the person you're meant to be with :)
Love (and the quest to find it) doesn't have to be a game. Yes there are some people out there determined to play it, but those people should be crossed off the list as soon as you find that out.
We have to accept that things don't happen on our timeline, or necessarily in the way we would have picked out for ourselves. I didn't get married till after graduating from BYU (which some people would see as total failure haha) and my husband didn't get married till he was 34... denintely not what he saw happening in his life, and definitely not what I would have predicted getting myself into :). But it's awesome, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
So it takes patience. It takes trial and error. You know, the whole "gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince" mentality. I dated SO many guys I thought could be "the one" until I actually found "the one." Got my heart broken and broke a lot of hearts in the process. It sucks, but it is what it is. In the end, it's worth all the bad parts in order to be with someone that makes life WONDERFUL... it makes the heartbreaks seem inconsequential.
You just have to seek out someone who LIKES that you wear your heart on your sleeve. That's something my husband and I always say we loved about our relationship - there were no games, we knew after our first real date that we wanted to be exclusive, we were always honest about how much we liked each other... and two years later, we got married! (see? not the stereotypical mormon timeline)
You just gotta find what works for you... be flexible, life doesn't always go your way, but don't sacrifice who you ARE... because someday, who you are will be exactly what some lucky girl is looking for. :)
Love this post. I am a strong believer in authenticity in relationships and all areas of life. Brandon was 26, almost 27 when we got married. He had to wait a long time and go through some horrible heartbreaks before he found a wife. But I'm so glad that he held out for me :)
3 comments
As someone who has always worn their heart on their sleeve, I say, don't give up! I didn't, I think things have worked out rather nicely for me. You are a great guy that any girl would be lucky to end up with. Believe me, there are plenty of girls out there who will appreciate a man who is willing to show their emotions and be invested in them. Enough with the silly cat and mouse stuff, I hate it. And I love the post that you wrote about how guys should treat girls. I feel like so many girls talk about how they are mistreated, yet they treat guys the same way. There's a great girl out there for you. I've found that when you stop looking, is when you find the person you're meant to be with :)
ReplyDeleteLove (and the quest to find it) doesn't have to be a game. Yes there are some people out there determined to play it, but those people should be crossed off the list as soon as you find that out.
ReplyDeleteWe have to accept that things don't happen on our timeline, or necessarily in the way we would have picked out for ourselves. I didn't get married till after graduating from BYU (which some people would see as total failure haha) and my husband didn't get married till he was 34... denintely not what he saw happening in his life, and definitely not what I would have predicted getting myself into :). But it's awesome, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
So it takes patience. It takes trial and error. You know, the whole "gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince" mentality. I dated SO many guys I thought could be "the one" until I actually found "the one." Got my heart broken and broke a lot of hearts in the process. It sucks, but it is what it is. In the end, it's worth all the bad parts in order to be with someone that makes life WONDERFUL... it makes the heartbreaks seem inconsequential.
You just have to seek out someone who LIKES that you wear your heart on your sleeve. That's something my husband and I always say we loved about our relationship - there were no games, we knew after our first real date that we wanted to be exclusive, we were always honest about how much we liked each other... and two years later, we got married! (see? not the stereotypical mormon timeline)
You just gotta find what works for you... be flexible, life doesn't always go your way, but don't sacrifice who you ARE... because someday, who you are will be exactly what some lucky girl is looking for. :)
Love this post. I am a strong believer in authenticity in relationships and all areas of life. Brandon was 26, almost 27 when we got married. He had to wait a long time and go through some horrible heartbreaks before he found a wife. But I'm so glad that he held out for me :)
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to your happy ending too!